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Up for Portillo
Oct. 9th, 2022 04:46 pmI feel a little thwarted.
The other day I was contacted by GB News, the newish right-wing channel, to talk about children's books with Michael Portillo on his Sunday morning show. My immediate instinct was to decline; after all, I don't really want to prop up a right-wing organisation. On the other hand, when I asked whether there was a particular reason why they wanted to talk about children's literature this week, I thought I saw an opportunity - for the hook was a new production of The Famous Five at the Chichester Festival Theatre, which was said to have changed or at least moderated some of Blyton's more dubious aspects (the framing of foreigners as ridiculous and/or suspicious, the patronising of the working class, etc.). I smelt a conversation about wokeness and cancel culture in the offing, and considering that my conversational partner would be Michael Portillo, a chance to put down one of Thatcher's ministers in front of literally tens of dozens of GB News viewers.
So, this morning I took the train to Paddington, walked the few minutes from the station, and was allowed into the underground lair of GB News. The various floor managers, doormen, receptionists, etc., all treated me well, but I was slightly disconcerted to find myself in the green room with Claire Fox, once a Revolutionary Communist and critic of the House of Lords, now (of course) a libertarian member of the House of Lords. (The floor manager pecked her cheek as she left, and saying how it was always lovely to have her there.) And there, not far away, was the editor of the magazine Spiked, megaphone of choice for alt-right sympathisers in the UK. Most bizarre of all, two large, vacuum-sealed joints of beef sat on a nearby table. I never did find out why.
Anyway, eventually I was miked up and ushered onto the sofa, where I had the following chat:
As you will see, despite the initial framing the questions never got onto the question of Blyton's use of stereotypes, snowflakery and the rest, and so, although I was able to land a glancing blow about English Heritage's right to free speech (the decline of which Portillo had just been the bemoaning with the Spiked guy), I wasn't given a chance to deliver my knockout punch. I actually said to him afterwards, "I thought we were meant to have a ding-dong about censorship," to which he replied, "I decided not to go down that route" - which shows that it had been on the cards, at least. Perhaps some politician's instinct warned him off?
Anyway, rather than waste the moment entirely, I thought I'd record the conversation as it should have gone (with apologies to A. A. Milne):
Oh well. At least I can chalk it up among the more interesting Sunday mornings I've spent this October.
The other day I was contacted by GB News, the newish right-wing channel, to talk about children's books with Michael Portillo on his Sunday morning show. My immediate instinct was to decline; after all, I don't really want to prop up a right-wing organisation. On the other hand, when I asked whether there was a particular reason why they wanted to talk about children's literature this week, I thought I saw an opportunity - for the hook was a new production of The Famous Five at the Chichester Festival Theatre, which was said to have changed or at least moderated some of Blyton's more dubious aspects (the framing of foreigners as ridiculous and/or suspicious, the patronising of the working class, etc.). I smelt a conversation about wokeness and cancel culture in the offing, and considering that my conversational partner would be Michael Portillo, a chance to put down one of Thatcher's ministers in front of literally tens of dozens of GB News viewers.
So, this morning I took the train to Paddington, walked the few minutes from the station, and was allowed into the underground lair of GB News. The various floor managers, doormen, receptionists, etc., all treated me well, but I was slightly disconcerted to find myself in the green room with Claire Fox, once a Revolutionary Communist and critic of the House of Lords, now (of course) a libertarian member of the House of Lords. (The floor manager pecked her cheek as she left, and saying how it was always lovely to have her there.) And there, not far away, was the editor of the magazine Spiked, megaphone of choice for alt-right sympathisers in the UK. Most bizarre of all, two large, vacuum-sealed joints of beef sat on a nearby table. I never did find out why.
Anyway, eventually I was miked up and ushered onto the sofa, where I had the following chat:
As you will see, despite the initial framing the questions never got onto the question of Blyton's use of stereotypes, snowflakery and the rest, and so, although I was able to land a glancing blow about English Heritage's right to free speech (the decline of which Portillo had just been the bemoaning with the Spiked guy), I wasn't given a chance to deliver my knockout punch. I actually said to him afterwards, "I thought we were meant to have a ding-dong about censorship," to which he replied, "I decided not to go down that route" - which shows that it had been on the cards, at least. Perhaps some politician's instinct warned him off?
Anyway, rather than waste the moment entirely, I thought I'd record the conversation as it should have gone (with apologies to A. A. Milne):
PORTALUMP: When a production erases pork pies in favour of hummus, or modishly suggests that swarthiness isn't a reliable index of potential criminality, isn't that a perfect example of woke censorship?
STEEPHOLM: That's a bit rich coming from you, given your involvement in what was by far the biggest act of censorship of children's reading in my lifetime. I refer of course to Section 28 of the Local Government Act 1988, which made it illegal for children to encounter any positive representation of LGBT people in the classroom. Surely, making millions of citizens into non-persons, by force of law, is a far more egregious example of snowflakery, cancel culture and censorship than toning down Blyton's language?
PORTALUMP: Oh no! I am hoist by my own petard!
STEEPHOLM: Aha, you have fallen into my trap for catching hypocritical Thatcherites!
PORTALUMP: Oh! [nervously]: I -- I thought it was a trap I'd made for catching left-wing liberal snowflakes.
STEEPHOLM [surprised]: Oh, no!
PORTALUMP: Oh! [apologetically] I --I must have got it wrong then.
STEEPHOLM: I'm afraid so. [politely]
STEEPHOLM'S EGO [which wasn't going to be there, but we find we can't do without it]: Oh, Steepholm, how brave and clever you are!
Oh well. At least I can chalk it up among the more interesting Sunday mornings I've spent this October.