Pumps of presumption shall adorn his feet, and socks of sullenness exceeding sweet

[steepholm]

It's the blazon from hell! Unmitigated by satire! If you've never felt properly grateful that Petrarch lived so many centuries before Roget, you will after reading this modern classic (taken via shark_hat).

Comments

Of course it *can* work....

[hafren.livejournal.com]

I think he'll find this is how to do it:

The Garmont of Gude Ladeis (Robert Henryson)

Waid my gud lady lufe me best
And wirk eftir my will,
I suld ane garmond gudliest
Gar mak hir body till.

Of hie honour suld be hir hud
Upon hir heid to weir,
Garneist with governance so gud,
Na demying suld her deir.

Hir sark suld be hir body nixt,
Of chestetie so quhyt,
With schame and dreid togidder mixt,
The same suld be perfyt.

Hir kirtill suld be of clene constance,
Lasit with lesum lufe,
The mailyeis of continuance
For nevir to remufe.

Hir gown suld be of gudliness,
Weill ribband with renowne,
Purfillit with plesour in ilk place,
Furrit with fyne fassoun.

Hir belt suld be of benignitie
About hir middill meit;
Hir mantill of humilitie
To tholl bayth wind and weit.

Hir hat suld be of fair having
And hir tepat of trewth,
Hir patelet of gud pansing,
Hir hals ribbane of rewth.

Hir slevis suld be of esperance
To keip hir fra dispair,
Hir gluvis of gud govirnance
To gyd hir fyngearis fair.

Hir schone suld be of sickernes,
In syne that scho nocht slyd,
Hir hois of honestie, I gess,
I suld for hir provyd.

Wald scho put on this garmond gay,
I durst sweir by my seill,
That scho woir nevir grene nor gray
That set hir half so weill.

Glossary:

GARNEIST: ornamented; DEMYNG: (harsh) opinion; DEIR: harm; DREID: timidity; LESUM: lawful; MAILYEIS: eyelets; CONTINUANCE: steadfastness; PURFILLIT: embroidered; FASSOUN: fashion; THOLL: endure; HAVING: deportment; TEPAT: tippet; PATALET: ruff; PANSING: thoughts; HALS: neck; REWTH: pity; SICKERNESS: sureness; SEILL: seal, bond

Re: Of course it *can* work....

[steepholm.livejournal.com]

Nice! I guess these metaphorical garments go right back to Ephesians 6.13-17. Or maybe further?

[a-d-medievalist.livejournal.com]

Sadly in this case, my brain actually works. I dare anyone to try to read it (and the following pages) while actually thinking about what it says!!! I thought the 'hands fluttering at her breasts like moths at a lantern (what, he wiggles his fingers and lets them occasionally smack into them?) was weird, but ... seriously, go back and read them and try to draw a colour picture!

[shark-hat.livejournal.com]

A couple of people have illustrated it... and of course I can't find them now. Isn't it extraordinary?

[shark-hat.livejournal.com]

I should have credited- I read it first via helen_keeble- it's gone viral, though.

[intertext.livejournal.com]

"Her face had the fragrance of a gibbous moon"??? omg wtf? And don't get me started on the dew on the moss...

That is so bad it's brilliant.

Re: Of course it *can* work....

[kalypso-v.livejournal.com]

I was thinking the Song of Solomon pulled that sort of thing off rather more successfully.

[kalypso-v.livejournal.com]

They're listed under ETA4 and ETA6 in the original entry.

Re: Of course it *can* work....

[steepholm.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you're right, and probably that was what the writer had in mind. Solomon didn't suffer from logorrhoea, luckily.